All Clear - Crohn’s Mental Overload

It's weird to look up one day and realise a whole year has passed. And Crohn’s and Colistis is running a campaign to #FacetheFacts

I started 2023 with hopes of a peaceful year and end it worrying about whether I could find time between my hospital appointments to see the Renaissance film. I didn't.

2024 started with me feeling like I was staring into an abyss and has ended feeling like the skies have cleared and I can face anything.

Let's start with a confession: I used to envy people with cancer. It's an odd thing to admit because I have seen how devastating and difficult it can be to live with. I was envious because the pain is obvious. It's complex how I felt because I often felt my pain was misunderstood but I was so good at hiding it. I was mad that people didn’t inherently understand the problems I was going through without them being told. We understand the paid and hardship that any Cancer brings, yet Crohn’s is still so misunderstood.

I would find cool surfaces to rest on when my stomach aches got so bad they made me overheat but teachers would think I was sleeping in class. Excluding the times I was sleeping in class - quick story

I was falling asleep in Biology summer classes. I was almost falling off my stool resting on backpack out of it. And my teacher yelled my name and said "if you’re going to sleep, get out". so I did. Turns out that was not the right thing to do. I was told by my friends after my nap in the sixth from common room that the teacher had been surprised that i had left. I'd say oops but I do tend to take things literally when I am tired  and he wasn’t a very nice teacher anyway.

Or I would be late to class because I was too embarrassed to use the toilets when others were around during break times. Or the pain I would be in walking or sitting or existing. Or the fear of food I developed during my worst flares making it impossible to eat without anxiety.

I thought I would be able to document my appointments so that others could see the process of going through a diagnosis. A let’s take the journey of discovery vlog. I recorded a lot during this time but the exhaustion of the process and fear really did put any thought of editing on the back burner. And then there was the telling people. It felt wrong to reveal to certain people in my life what i had been through in an online post so I held off even longer. Then who should know you are going to hospital for diagnosis before anyone else. I've had a few people die recently and it was only after they passed I found out they had gone through treatment. I was resentful that I didn't have a proper chance to say goodbye but then I realise how time and distance had separated us. Why would I be in the know? Who makes the cut for a personal announcement?

I also have a thing for dramatic announcements in inappropriate places. But a dislike for people sending well wishes all at once. I was getting ready to start telling family and friends that my mum would need support and to take care of my brother. But those words never came out, because I realise they had a tinge of resentment in retaliation to something someone had said or done. I sat during Christmas as my cousin was shouting about losing a point, would I see this moment ever again? How would people react if I said it now. Then in February I got the all clear. Well just more Crohn's to be exact. And while the weight was lifted, the fear and stress I had taken on would not dissipate easily. The C-word had felt so abstract till I was faced with it and suddenly I realised that I was not mentally invincible.

Now the question I wonder is should I tell people now so they understand why I had been acting so weird and sentimental. I'm still seeing the docs a little more than normal to monitor the Crohn's. And then my cousins father got sick and then was diagnosed with Cancer and my experience fell to the back burner. Now I wouldn’t be able to discuss it. I had just experienced the diagnostic process and been able to complain about my preferred anaesthesia (to a doctor). But here it was in front of me. Grateful it wasn’t me, sad it was him, confused as to how life had suddenly turned out like this. And then he died. 

Could you call this a confession post. I don't have Cancer. I do have Crohn's. 2024 did not start out the way I had intended but as is my favourite trope in Turkish dramas if the season starts well it gets broken and if it starts broken it gets fixed at the end they all learn to love a little better and cherish those around them a little more. - The post originally ended here but my counsin’s dad died in November when I had originally intended to put this out so I made a few edits to honour that. So I guess in true Turkish drama fashion someone beloved died in a final plot twist.