27.03.2025 MRI - Breath In

I've been riding the post MRI pain this evening as the contast and bowel prep, work their way through my body. The pain feels nauesating. I can't lay down. I can't stand. I don't want to sit. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I want to cry but the pain of moving to do so means it's not worth it.

The pain I am going through to work out how bad things are, is ironically also really bad. 

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Down 500mls of prep in 2 minutes then sip water for an hour. 1hr of waiting then a quick change. I'd usually go to the loo at this point because that's a lot of water but I was late to this appointment and these toilets haven't been cleaned. The nearest toilets are outside to the left of this department. I opt to wait. I don't need to go urgently I say. (big mistake, huge!) 

I'm used to this feeling and I close my eyes. Not quite asleep not fully awake. Hold still, Breath in, hold, breath out.

Mid way through the scan as I am falling into a state of half awake dreamlike state, I feel it. The feeling of urgency hits me and I try not to move. There should be 10 minutes left or 15. If I squeeze the emergency button will I be able to stand and make it to the loo or can I wait and get this scan over and done. I wait another moment, then another, I think I'll be okay. The feeling passes while this internal debate takes place and I hear the blessed words a few moments later almost done. I drift off further and I am startled awake by the sound of a door opening. Done

No one can tell what I've been through. I get changed and sit for a bit as I come back to myself. Laying so still and falling into such a deep dream like state has left me feeling numb and drowsy. Appointment over, first stop the toilets on the left.

I haven't eaten since last night and there are no restaurants I can visit nearby. I would have brought a snack and I had time this morning if my train hadn't been cancelled mid way through my trip to pick one up.

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My 9-5 today. I'm trying to breath through the pain. I tried pain relief but that feeling if knotted insides won't leave and the pain come back like a rolling wave. I just call them hospital appointments but sometimes they feel like battles I've barely survived. 

Somedays I wish I was a plant. Sitting in the sun and photosynthising the energy I need to exist. But I live in England and these sunny days aren't predictable. I am eating to live these days. By the time I'm done my food is cold. I barely made it through. Tonight's going to be rough. I'll spend tomorrow catching up on the sleep I didn't manage to get